Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Love isn't measured in miles....

I'm not quite sure how it happened... but I fell in love. Deeply, passionately, wholly, truly and perfectly. I met someone the weekend before I left Vancouver and he waltzed right into my heart and made himself at home. The scariest part was that I let him.

I made a list a few months ago of my 'dream man'. That perfect partner who would be my best friend and my lover and my confidant. Someone I could laugh with and share my joy and my sorrows. The man who would love me as I am and let me do the same for him. I'm not foolish enough to believe or even want someone to fit all those qualities. That's an idea. A dream. A perfect scenario in a world where there are no perfect scenarios.

You see, this man who stole my heart without even trying... he lives in Vancouver. I live in Ottawa. You can do the math. 5 hours on a plane. 3 hours time difference.... need I go on?? Like the title says... Love isn't measured in miles... but the miles can be a deal breaker.

The irony is I've done long distance. I lived in Vancouver. My ex lived in Toronto. After 2 years and a very intimate relationship with my telephone, I packed up and moved my family to Ontario to build a new life. Now that didn't work out as planned, and that's more than okay. There were lessons for me to learn, and I surely learned them. We now live in a beautiful city and are finally creating a life of our own. We were meant to be here.

Then I meet this man. Unexpected. Random. Someone who is familiar through a friend, but I've never met. I meet him and it's like I've come home. I sit with him and it's as if I've done it for years. We talk and it's easy. We laugh and it's familiar. We hold hands and it's right. He kisses me.... and it's magic. It wasn't love at first sight... but it was something we both knew and had already lived before. And here we are again... run down by cupid in his Love Train when we least expect it.

I come back to Ottawa just days after meeting him and spending a lovely afternoon solidifying what we already knew... that we were so magnetically drawn to one another it was painful to be apart. We talked about long distance, about what we felt, about whether we could do this... and we decided to take this Universal gift and try to unwrap it.

After opening the first layers, we realize that we have already found love. I love this man in such a short time, but undoubtedly... I love him. And it feels like heaven. There are no butterflies or giddy excitement. There is warmth. There is comfort. There is peacefulness that comes from a deeper level of acceptance and soulful connection. And it's beautiful.

A few weeks go by and we maintain as best as we can from afar. The effort is there. The intention is clear. The hope is alive. The love is strong. Then reality strikes down like lightening. The old tapes start to play. And they make no sense, but the logic... it does. How are we going to make this work? Is this enough for both of us? Is it fair to expect him to move when I know I won't? Will he regret never having his own children? How long can I go without feeling his warm embrace before it takes its toll on our love?

I think we both knew. I also think we both fell so hard that we didn't care. I know I wanted it. I know I still want it. I know every emotion I feel for him is alive and real and always will be. I also know that I love him enough to let him go. The pain from writing that simple sentence is enough to finally break me.

It makes no sense to love someone with such intensity in such a short time. It's almost ridiculous. That's how I know with as much certainty that it's so real.

I wish I could say that I knew what the Universe had in store for us. I know that we finally found each other again because we were ready to. I know that neither of us can believe that the other could love someone so amazing. I'm sure that's part of the gift...

So we say our goodbyes. Maybe we overlooked the obvious because we were blinded from the glow of our hearts. That's not a bad thing. In fact, it's a beautiful thing. Some people never know what it is to fall in love. Some won't even allow themselves the gift of doing so. But we jumped in. We embraced it. We wrapped ourselves up in it. We deemed ourselves worthy of love and respect. That's a blessing as far as I'm concerned.

I know I let him go for all the right reasons. I know my heart will stop hurting at some point. I pray that his pain is minimal. I've already grown because of him. Through what we shared. I am grateful for the opportunity to know him. I will always keep my heart open to the possibility of finding his love at my doorstep, if the Universe should allow it....

Thank you for the this song my love...

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Holiday Darkness

The voices keep taking over. The tapes are so old and almost archaic… yet the message is crystal clear. You are not who you think you are. Louder and louder I hear those cries. My battered soul fighting for its right to breathe and heal. My mind is the enemy and my spirit will pay the price.

Exhaustion seems to be one of my many poisons these days. Running on empty has created a rage-filled demon that can only be exorcised by the Sandman himself. I am moody. I am plagued by migraines. I am emotionally charged. I am the living definition of depression. Once a month I become a fire-breathing dragon of feminine wonder… Pre-Meditated Suicide is more like it. Medicate me. Show me the magic pill that makes the sun shine brightly again and the clouds fluffier than they’ve ever been. Sigh… I can’t imagine reliving my rave nights…. I need to get out of here. I can’t find the goddamn door. I’m starting to wonder if there is even one built into this asylum for the mentally sane.

The joyous holidays seem like a scam to me. I feel robbed of something I don’t think I ever had. Yet I have the nerve to be angry about it. I hear the songs. I feel the snow. I see the ribbon and the tinsel and I don’t give a fuck. I have no desire to care this year. I don’t want to buy gifts…. I don’t want to wrap anything. I want to put the fa├žade of Santa and his imaginary reindeer to rest. I feel the need to pour reality down their innocent throats. The world will lie to them… why do I have to be the one who starts it?? I am so annoyed at the obligation of this season. What once was the most beautiful time of the year to me feels like a countdown of fake Christmas cheer to reach a climax filled with toys and candy and leftover wrap. This is why we put rum in the eggnog.

At night… I wander through the dream world in Technicolor. Flying, running, screaming. I dream of death. I dream in fear. I see horrid tales of my once before reality come back to haunt me in my sacred slumber. Why are you here? I see him. Squeezing the life out of my refurbished heart. If only I knew I was dreaming. I might find the strength to release his hold on me and land in my bed. Having run miles in my mind, it seems my body does the work. I wake to find myself drenched in nervous sweats. Since when did I dread sleep more than a waking moment??

On any given day… I find myself floating in the curves of the highs. Then I drop to a new depth of low where I cannot even remember what the warmth of my own skin feels like. I don’t know what brought me here…. And I surely don’t know the road out. I am a prisoner of my emotional hell today… yesterday and maybe even tomorrow. I feel trapped and confused. Empty and lost. Living in a shell that fits but does not belong to me. The tears want to consume me… I believe I’m finally drowning in my own rain.

All of my optimistic logic has been silenced by the power of my own darkness.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

F A I L

Lately I've been living through an internal struggle of what my life is and what I wish it was. I've been beating on myself because I'm 34 and I'm single and I have 3 kids and I'm alone. By alone, I mean no community... no family support in the physical. I'm trying to establish how I got myself here, but more importantly, how do I get where I want to be? The killer question is 'will I EVER get there?'

Feelings of complete hopelessness as a mother. Frustration so overwhelming that I have found myself hearing voices of regret. That's a bad sign... especially for someone with my spiritual faith. A faith that is built on a foundation that everything is as it should be. There are no regrets. Every lesson and moment brought me here. It's HERE that I cannot seem to accept.

After 2 years of living in a new city, I've made a few amazing friends and I'm thankful. They're kind souls who offer me a reciprocal friendship when we can find the time. Yet, I'm left with a sense of being in this life alone. Maybe because I don't have many friends who have children or can truly understand what it feels like to be in my shoes. The more I think about it, not many know what it's like to move yourself and 3 kids across the country alone only to spend almost 6 months homeless in a city where you know 2 people...

The more I write this, the more I sound like a victim. I'm fully aware that I'm a victim of my own choices. what I'm feeling inside... it's failure. I feel like I've failed at this game... at mothering...at life. I can't stop the voices from telling me how badly I fucked up when I look around and see only what I haven't accomplished.

I live a life of constant gratitude from moment to moment... but for some reason, I can't find it within myself anymore. I can't see it the way I used to and that scares me. Because that cloud of darkness is getting bigger and heavier. Those voices are getting louder and they visit more often. The reality of how I came here to this moment and the circumstances surrounding our life... it doesn't justify why I haven't been able to create my dreams.

What hurts the most... what has me fall deeper into this pain and these tears... is what I can't do for my kids. What I know they should have. What I simply cannot provide. What I've got just isn't enough anymore. Maybe it never was. Maybe I was so blinded by my own faith that I saw the reality I wanted to see... not what truly was.

I don't know much in this moment except that the pain in my heart is too much to ignore or wash away with a sugar coated smile or quote of the day. Today I'm living and breathing my flawed self in the hell I've created.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

ma familia

We were coming home one night a few weeks ago and my 7 year old randomly says to me, "Mommy, when Amber beats up Noah I get upset". Amber being his big sister and Noah his older brother, who might possibly be a descendant of Lucifer himself. Of course I offer the typical 'Awwwwww baby...' and explain to him that of course he'd get upset... he loves his brother. He is quick to shoot that theory down with a doubtful 'I don't know....' Instead he tells me that he thinks it's because Noah is his blood.

You see, a few days before this, I gave one of my memorable speeches on what it means to have brothers and sisters. Maybe it was so memorable because I was bellowing half of it, or maybe he just listened this time. Hell... maybe he listens all the time. There's a reason he's my favorite.

That day, after seeing enough of Amber, my eldest, treat her likes-to-be annoying, almost 9 year old brother Noah, like crap for the 100th time, I simply lost my mind. I cannot for the life of me understand why they treat each other so badly. I have sisters... I remember the fights. There were lots of them. it's impossible to put 4 people into any living space for any length of time and expect for there NOT to be conflict. but what I don't get is the lack of connection between child #1 and #2. That one baffles me. It's as if they just can't find any love between them. Truth is... it scares me.

There are so many things I want for my babies in this lifetime. Not all of them I can provide. Some of those things, they aren't meant to have either. But family... all we've got is each other. we live in a city where we have no family. It's just the 4 of us and the small circle of friends we are beginning to create. After 2 years... most of our time is still spent with just us. I want for them to have each other. There will come a day when I'm long gone and I'd like to know that they'll take care of one another.

I went through most of my adult life without the support of my family. Missing my sisterly bond. Sure we fought as we grew up, but they're my sisters. They're my people. They're my blood. More than once I questioned that bond created by the river of red running within my being. There were even times when I believed blood isn't thicker than water. Maybe because I was fortunate enough to have friends who are my family. Friends who have created such a deep connection of unconditional love with me that they have become my sisters and brothers. Honestly, there were times when I had nobody but those friends. They carried me through the hardest times in my life. They held my hand and dried my tears. My family wasn't able to do those things. As I've grown, I realized that it doesn't make them bad people who are incapable of loving. It just means they love me and the world in their own little warped way. So do I shut out the love because it isn't exactly what I need or the way I need it? I choose to allow them the respect of being who they are while maintaining a clear understanding of who I am and what I need and where I can obtain it.

This summer I went to see my family after being away for 2 years. We didn't have a farewell celebration when I moved to Ontario in 2008... we had a full blown explosion. It was ugly to say the least. Over the 2 years, we spoke a few times but it was awkward and painful. I'm sure I wasn't the only one hurting either. Time went on and I realized how deeply I missed them. When it came time for the visit, I had no idea what to expect. I didn't know if there would be more fireworks, or if I even had anything to talk about with people who had become familiar strangers in my world. But I approached it with an open heart and was met with the same. I was offered love and kindness and gratitude. I found hugs and warmth and laughter. I came home to my family.

That visit changed me. Those 3 or 4 days.... they changed my heart. I was able to fill a void in my world that only family can fill. I'd fooled myself for a long time into thinking that I didn't need them. That I could do fine without them and it wouldn't matter at all. I'm strong and resilient and I can manage on my own. While some of that is true, I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that there would always be an empty spot without them. Nobody can fill that place because nobody else does what family does. They were made especially for me. To fit perfectly in my heart. And while I tried to rent out the sister spot over the years.... none of the tenants could live there for long. Some of them stayed on, but they created new spaces and memories to fill my heart with, leaving the family compartment empty and dark.

I'm overjoyed about my healing relationship with my family. I'm ecstatic to be leaving for Vancouver in 2 days for yet another visit. I'm grateful that we didn't wait until someone died before we saw each other again. I'm grateful that we allowed forgiveness and love to overrule history and uncertainty. I feel blessed just to have siblings and a mother who is still alive.

The lecture to my battling spawn that day included a story of when I was in elementary school and the girls were being mean to me... because that's what little girls are best at. I will never forget my sister coming to the rescue. I remember her standing in front of me and giving them hell. Asking them how they would feel if someone was doing that to them. I won't ever forget the feeling of knowing that my sister had my back. I don't think children realize their parents were once children too and it surprises them when I tell them things that happened to me when I was small. It's as if they're forced to relate to me on another level that doesn't include me being big bad grown up Mommy who must be inhuman, or she wouldn't be so mean.

I informed them all that I expected them to be there for each other because they were blood. I let them know that family was there to support you no matter what. With a confused look, I'm asked by child #3, 'what does that mean... we're blood?' After a brief lesson on biology, he seemed to understand how he and his brother shared something deeper than a bedroom and a whole lot of Lego.

I surely don't know what's going to happen tomorrow... let alone what my children will be like when they grow into adults. I can only pray that they'll find forgiveness for themselves and each other as they move along in their journey. I will pray that their paths allow them the comfort of knowing one another long after I pass into another world. I can only hope that they won't let petty arguments ruin the opportunities to love the built in best friends that God gave them in their siblings.....

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Thirteen


October 10, 1997 at 10:58pm

That moment marks a huge milestone in my life. I had no idea that it was going to be the beginning of what is now the most important job I've ever had. I was given the ultimate gift and blessing wrapped up a tiny being who has proven to be my teacher as much as I am hers.

On a quiet Friday night, Amber Shanthi surprised us all with her perfect self, by arriving on her exact due date. Weighing in at 7lbs, 5oz. she appeared healthy, strong and statistically average. Who would know at that moment how far from average she would grow to become.

Anyone who's ever met my stunning daughter knows how incredible she is. And I'm not just saying that because she's my daughter and I'm a whole lot biased... she really is awesome. She not only carries herself with a maturity that most university students wish they had, she actually possesses it. After living a life that most 12 year old's only read about in novels, she strives only to be the best that she can be. And she smiles that Colgate smile through it all. She is kind and generous and thoughtful and so unselfish sometimes that I'm moved to tears by her enormous heart. In some ways she's a typical girl with her silliness and hating on her brothers, then she'll say something witty and so out of the ordinary for any child that I have to remind myself how old she really is.

I didn't think it was possible to love another human being with the capacity and force with which I love my children. And I tell Amber every day that I love her. But for a long time she didn't tell me... not first at least. And now... she says it so often that sometimes I don't think I accept it all. But then I tell her that I love her more. And she says... 'oh no Mum....I've known you longer... Remember?? I chose you'. Every day, in one way or another, I am in awe of this child.

I'm sure when she reads this, she'll know that I'm already crying as I write it. It's hard not to cry when you're overwhelmed with love and pride. I cry for the life she's had to live. I cry for the journey that lays ahead. For the bumps I can't take out of the road for her. I cry because she makes me laugh so hard sometimes. I cry because I know there are things in this life that I can't give her. And maybe it's not part of her plan to have them... but as her Mom... I want to give her the world. I cry because I am so blessed to have a daughter that's more my best bud than she is my little girl. I cry because no matter what life gave us, she stood by me. No matter how hard it got, she held on to my love and is shining brighter than ever.

My beautiful Amber...

I promised you that for a whole week I would give you a gift every single day leading up to the day of your birthday. Today is Day 3 and this is your gift... in no particular order...

~ MY TOP 13 REASONS FOR LOVING AMBERNESS ~

1. you have a huge, kind heart
2. you bake amazing cookies and other yummies
3. you are witty, sarcastic and uber funny
4. you are smarter and more intelligent than you even know
5. you work hard for all the things that you desire to achieve
6. you are clueless to your own beauty
7. your smile lights up a room
8. you share your food with me
9. you love yourself
10. you're a nerd
11. you are a talented artist
12. you're thoughtful, generous and down to earth
13. you face your fears

I could go on for days and never run out of reasons why I think you're the most amazing daughter that any Mom could ask for. I pray that you know them in your heart though. You have brought a love and a light into my life that I couldn't have dreamed of Amber. Thank you for choosing me....

I love you baby girl...
Mumzeez

Thursday, August 12, 2010

BFF's

It's my last day here in Salmon Arm. After almost 2 and a half years, I finally made it back for a much needed visit with my BFF. I have spent 3 fabulous days wrapped up in the peacefulness of mountains and best friend love. What a combination.

Annie is one of the most amazing people I've ever had the honor of knowing. We met in an anger management class if you can believe that... haha...so to say that we get each other at the deepest levels of fear and vulnerability is an understatement. We almost live parallel lives. Same aged children, single parenting, huge hearts that often get bruised. But we trek on knowing we can trust and confide in at least one other in the world, who truly understands.

My life has changed drastically over the past decade. Much of that change included Annie holding my hand. Not to carry me along or drag me somewhere I didn't want to be or couldn't see. But to remind me that I'm loved and never alone. To offer the comfort of silent strength that only a BFF can offer.

We didn't see each other in the physical for years... yet I can honestly say that I didn't miss her. That sounds cold and really not BFF like. But the truth is, she lives in my heart. She's a part of my soul. My essence. She has walked this journey with me before this lifetime and I feel her around me every time I think of her. Sure, I miss hugging her and hearing her laugh in person and seeing her radiant face light up. But the love... her love... the beauty of her unconditional love... I wasn't without it for a moment. That feeling is what brings tears to my eyes as I write this.

I am blessed to have a best friend for sure. But how many of us can say we have a best friend who will always tell us the truth no matter what it sounds like?? How many of us have a BFF who love us unconditionally, regardless of the life choices we make. How lucky am I to have a friend who mirrors me on every level of my existence and isn't afraid to show me her truth and mine.

We've had our moments and the odd clashing... we're human. We've always come back to forgiveness and love. I have learned to love through this friendship. I have been inspired by her pain and healing. I have come to accept myself as I attempt to see me through her eyes. She has taught me so much without even knowing that she was doing it. When I try to tell her how friggin amazing she is... she is simply humbled. That just makes her even more awesome.

But I'm leaving her today and I have mixed feelings about it. I'm sad to leave the warmth of her loving home and physical being. But I'm ecstatic at the thought of seeing my babies. And I know that she is just as excited and happy for me. And she will stay in that place of joy for me before she goes to her own pain of missing me as I leave. Another reason why I love her so.

3 days... white wine... great food... good laughs... tequila... karaoke... new friends... old souls... sweet tears... love... open hearts... and a whole lot of gratitude. It's a good thing we never say goodbye...

Farewell Annie... Je t'aime Mon Amie


Sunday, August 1, 2010

Silence

In the silence I can hear you
Loud and clear
The thoughts that I dare not speak
For fear they might actually manifest.

In the silence I feel you
The ache of loneliness
The chills of not having
What I've been taught to consider a need.

In the silence I taste you
The bitter sweetness
The blessing of sacred silence.

In the silence I desire you
The dreams and hopes
Locked away in my hearts vault
Waiting to find freedom.

In the silence I miss you
The endless laughter
The calm within my storm.

In the silence I see me
The real me
In all my truth and imperfection.

In the silence I accept me
Flawed and pained
Scarred and uncertain
Awaiting assurance.

In the silence I embrace me
In all my doubt and strife
With divine fortitude.

In the silence I love me.
Wholly
Passionately
Always unconditionally.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

the 'A' word

My whole life I've struggled with being the 'A' word. You're probably looking a little confoozled right now. I'm not talking about THAT 'A' word. Angry... Grumpy... Pissed off... Unhappy... Vexed... Fuming. Just some of the other ways to say I'm less than pleased with my current feelings and or situation.

Tonight I was speaking to my ex, the father of my 2 sons. We'll call him Ziggy for the sake of naming him, I'll explain how he got that name another time. He'll simply be pleased to be included. For once he didn't actually do something to anger me, he simply triggered it by asking a question. And KAPOW!!... damage was done. Ziggy heard it in my voice and I felt it run though me... the way a glass of wine does when you drink it fast enough. Body hot and fire burning in my gut. If it wasn't 2am in my time zone when we were talking, I probably would have gone out to Loblaws just to tear a piece off some poor innocent soul shopping for fruit. I wanted some blood.

What I don't get is how I let it happen so fast. I'm sure that the glowing full moon isn't helping. Nor are my raging hormones. But I really felt like I nailed this one. Was my anger management workshop was all for nothing?? My BFF would scream at me if she ever heard that... or when she reads this. That's where the universe put us together so that we could meet and find harmony with one another. How awesomely retarded is that??? The best BFF story EVER!!

Back to the 'A' word. So I'm angry. It's 2am and I'm angry. Surprise surprise... it's about my family. You see, I have a whole bunch of sisters and brothers and a mom who think that I'm seriously off my rocker. They honestly believe that something is wrong with me and the way that I live my life. They have spent a good portion of their lives trying to convince me that my way was and is the WRONG WAY. Now how they can decide what's best for another human being other than themselves is beyond me, but it's the Indian way. This is only the beginning of why I have such a bad taste in my mouth for the Indian culture.... and no... it's not just the butter chicken. It's the judgment. It's the lack of unconditional love. It's the hypocritical do what I say, but don't you dare think about doing what I do. Those are only a few of the factors contributing to me shunning my own religion... thereby deeming me, the worst Hindu on the planet. But I'm okay with that title because I know in my heart of hearts, that I'm an awesome human being. I am a fantastic person with a huge capacity for sharing love and kindness. I don't require a religion to tell me that.

But I'm planning my trip to BC and as I'm talking to Ziggy, I realize that I have to figure out if I have a place to stay while I'm there. And that almost makes me want to vomit. I have family... blood... the people I grew up beside... they're alive... and I can honestly say that I don't feel welcome in their homes. God bless Ziggy for being white and just not knowing that part of being Indian is that you don't ask for things. So when he innocently says to me, 'just ask if you can stay there', I want to reach through my cell phone and strangle him. ASK??? Pardon me if I'm being ignorant, but I don't think I should be asking anyone. Now maybe I'm just being bull headed, (which rarely.... ok..often happens), and feeling too proud. Maybe I just need a good slap upside the head.

Sigh... ultimately this boils down to one thing. My heart hurts. The source of all anger is fear or pain. And this time it's pain and certainly fear of more pain. They have hurt me so many times. They have had me question who I am as an individual and whether I was even good enough to be lovable. When the world wanted to beat me down, my family joined the crowd instead of holding me steady. The scars upon my heart are plentiful in the family section.

I surprised myself by getting so upset about this because 95% of the time, I am so thankful for the roles they played in my life. By being themselves, they unknowingly taught me how to survive. They played a crucial role in the development of my fortitude. I wouldn't be this woman today, if my family were any different. And I happen to love myself. A whole lot. In fact, I'd go as far as saying that I'm pretty damn awesome. I surround myself with other people of awesomeness and know that I'm in company that reflects my own inner being.

Hmmm... maybe it was just time for a self assessment. Maybe I'm just scared to face the some of the people who hurt me the most. Regardless of the reason, I grow. I learn more about the inner workings of me. I will never stop being the 'A' word. That's one small sliver of the pie that constitutes me. I accept that about who I am and in doing so, I take away all of its power.

So here I am, a couple of hours later in finishing this and the 'A' word is replaced with the far superior 'G' word. G R A T I T U D E.

Thank you Ziggy for showing me that when I least expect it I can always rise to the challenge and grow some more. Thank you to my family for being just as you are and allowing me the gift of loving myself and you unconditionally. And thank you.... for letting me pour my heart out...

It's going to be a beautiful day ladies and gentlemen....

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Miles Davis

An ex-boyfriend introduced me to the amazing and talented Miles Davis just last year before he was removed from the scene. Thank God for him and his great music collection! I cannot believe I spent the last 30 some odd years not enjoying this. And as I sit here with the first glass of white wine that I've had in months, listening to this man pour his heart and soul out in pure musical heaven... I feel so many things. Gratitude before anything. For this peaceful moment of freedom. For the luxury of my apartment and everything in it. For the ability to even get myself a glass of wine. I'm grateful that I can hear and feel this.

For those of you who don't know me... these quiet moments are nothing I've ever known. More often than not, I'm chasing after one of my three beautiful, but oh so annoying when they want to be, children. But they aren't here.... all summer long. So I'm torn... between enjoying the quiet and feeling the ache of my enormous heart. My babies are everything to me. The sun rises and sets upon their perfect faces. They smile and my heart melts. They are my world.

For the first time in over a decade I am without them all. I wonder how much of this ache comes from the fear of wondering who I am when I'm not their mom. I wonder too if she's still in there. That girl who blossomed into a mother probably too young. I feel a little lost and a whole lot of proud. Because despite the ache, I'm stepping up to the plate. I promised myself I'd do great things for me and I'm doing them. Daily exercise, books, movies, drinks... is this what life before children was??? Just all about me?? Seems a little meaningless to be honest. But I look at the big picture. When I think of how much I'm going to grow and learn about the woman that is the foundation of this family... I know this is what I need. I know this is a gift that most never get. Being a single parent of 3 is a gift of its own. But to have this time to re-discover me brings about a terrifying excitement that is beyond words.

As I write my first blog, (which by the way, I really had decided I couldn't do, even though everything inside me is a writer through and through), again I feel gratitude. I'm falling... in love with me in all the ways I never knew how. The music feeds my soul and my soul fuels my being and my being is living this life to the fullest. I don't think Miles intended on people being this inspired by him... but I am thankful for his passion as it ignites my own.