Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Love isn't measured in miles....

I'm not quite sure how it happened... but I fell in love. Deeply, passionately, wholly, truly and perfectly. I met someone the weekend before I left Vancouver and he waltzed right into my heart and made himself at home. The scariest part was that I let him.

I made a list a few months ago of my 'dream man'. That perfect partner who would be my best friend and my lover and my confidant. Someone I could laugh with and share my joy and my sorrows. The man who would love me as I am and let me do the same for him. I'm not foolish enough to believe or even want someone to fit all those qualities. That's an idea. A dream. A perfect scenario in a world where there are no perfect scenarios.

You see, this man who stole my heart without even trying... he lives in Vancouver. I live in Ottawa. You can do the math. 5 hours on a plane. 3 hours time difference.... need I go on?? Like the title says... Love isn't measured in miles... but the miles can be a deal breaker.

The irony is I've done long distance. I lived in Vancouver. My ex lived in Toronto. After 2 years and a very intimate relationship with my telephone, I packed up and moved my family to Ontario to build a new life. Now that didn't work out as planned, and that's more than okay. There were lessons for me to learn, and I surely learned them. We now live in a beautiful city and are finally creating a life of our own. We were meant to be here.

Then I meet this man. Unexpected. Random. Someone who is familiar through a friend, but I've never met. I meet him and it's like I've come home. I sit with him and it's as if I've done it for years. We talk and it's easy. We laugh and it's familiar. We hold hands and it's right. He kisses me.... and it's magic. It wasn't love at first sight... but it was something we both knew and had already lived before. And here we are again... run down by cupid in his Love Train when we least expect it.

I come back to Ottawa just days after meeting him and spending a lovely afternoon solidifying what we already knew... that we were so magnetically drawn to one another it was painful to be apart. We talked about long distance, about what we felt, about whether we could do this... and we decided to take this Universal gift and try to unwrap it.

After opening the first layers, we realize that we have already found love. I love this man in such a short time, but undoubtedly... I love him. And it feels like heaven. There are no butterflies or giddy excitement. There is warmth. There is comfort. There is peacefulness that comes from a deeper level of acceptance and soulful connection. And it's beautiful.

A few weeks go by and we maintain as best as we can from afar. The effort is there. The intention is clear. The hope is alive. The love is strong. Then reality strikes down like lightening. The old tapes start to play. And they make no sense, but the logic... it does. How are we going to make this work? Is this enough for both of us? Is it fair to expect him to move when I know I won't? Will he regret never having his own children? How long can I go without feeling his warm embrace before it takes its toll on our love?

I think we both knew. I also think we both fell so hard that we didn't care. I know I wanted it. I know I still want it. I know every emotion I feel for him is alive and real and always will be. I also know that I love him enough to let him go. The pain from writing that simple sentence is enough to finally break me.

It makes no sense to love someone with such intensity in such a short time. It's almost ridiculous. That's how I know with as much certainty that it's so real.

I wish I could say that I knew what the Universe had in store for us. I know that we finally found each other again because we were ready to. I know that neither of us can believe that the other could love someone so amazing. I'm sure that's part of the gift...

So we say our goodbyes. Maybe we overlooked the obvious because we were blinded from the glow of our hearts. That's not a bad thing. In fact, it's a beautiful thing. Some people never know what it is to fall in love. Some won't even allow themselves the gift of doing so. But we jumped in. We embraced it. We wrapped ourselves up in it. We deemed ourselves worthy of love and respect. That's a blessing as far as I'm concerned.

I know I let him go for all the right reasons. I know my heart will stop hurting at some point. I pray that his pain is minimal. I've already grown because of him. Through what we shared. I am grateful for the opportunity to know him. I will always keep my heart open to the possibility of finding his love at my doorstep, if the Universe should allow it....

Thank you for the this song my love...

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Holiday Darkness

The voices keep taking over. The tapes are so old and almost archaic… yet the message is crystal clear. You are not who you think you are. Louder and louder I hear those cries. My battered soul fighting for its right to breathe and heal. My mind is the enemy and my spirit will pay the price.

Exhaustion seems to be one of my many poisons these days. Running on empty has created a rage-filled demon that can only be exorcised by the Sandman himself. I am moody. I am plagued by migraines. I am emotionally charged. I am the living definition of depression. Once a month I become a fire-breathing dragon of feminine wonder… Pre-Meditated Suicide is more like it. Medicate me. Show me the magic pill that makes the sun shine brightly again and the clouds fluffier than they’ve ever been. Sigh… I can’t imagine reliving my rave nights…. I need to get out of here. I can’t find the goddamn door. I’m starting to wonder if there is even one built into this asylum for the mentally sane.

The joyous holidays seem like a scam to me. I feel robbed of something I don’t think I ever had. Yet I have the nerve to be angry about it. I hear the songs. I feel the snow. I see the ribbon and the tinsel and I don’t give a fuck. I have no desire to care this year. I don’t want to buy gifts…. I don’t want to wrap anything. I want to put the fa├žade of Santa and his imaginary reindeer to rest. I feel the need to pour reality down their innocent throats. The world will lie to them… why do I have to be the one who starts it?? I am so annoyed at the obligation of this season. What once was the most beautiful time of the year to me feels like a countdown of fake Christmas cheer to reach a climax filled with toys and candy and leftover wrap. This is why we put rum in the eggnog.

At night… I wander through the dream world in Technicolor. Flying, running, screaming. I dream of death. I dream in fear. I see horrid tales of my once before reality come back to haunt me in my sacred slumber. Why are you here? I see him. Squeezing the life out of my refurbished heart. If only I knew I was dreaming. I might find the strength to release his hold on me and land in my bed. Having run miles in my mind, it seems my body does the work. I wake to find myself drenched in nervous sweats. Since when did I dread sleep more than a waking moment??

On any given day… I find myself floating in the curves of the highs. Then I drop to a new depth of low where I cannot even remember what the warmth of my own skin feels like. I don’t know what brought me here…. And I surely don’t know the road out. I am a prisoner of my emotional hell today… yesterday and maybe even tomorrow. I feel trapped and confused. Empty and lost. Living in a shell that fits but does not belong to me. The tears want to consume me… I believe I’m finally drowning in my own rain.

All of my optimistic logic has been silenced by the power of my own darkness.