Saturday, July 24, 2010

the 'A' word

My whole life I've struggled with being the 'A' word. You're probably looking a little confoozled right now. I'm not talking about THAT 'A' word. Angry... Grumpy... Pissed off... Unhappy... Vexed... Fuming. Just some of the other ways to say I'm less than pleased with my current feelings and or situation.

Tonight I was speaking to my ex, the father of my 2 sons. We'll call him Ziggy for the sake of naming him, I'll explain how he got that name another time. He'll simply be pleased to be included. For once he didn't actually do something to anger me, he simply triggered it by asking a question. And KAPOW!!... damage was done. Ziggy heard it in my voice and I felt it run though me... the way a glass of wine does when you drink it fast enough. Body hot and fire burning in my gut. If it wasn't 2am in my time zone when we were talking, I probably would have gone out to Loblaws just to tear a piece off some poor innocent soul shopping for fruit. I wanted some blood.

What I don't get is how I let it happen so fast. I'm sure that the glowing full moon isn't helping. Nor are my raging hormones. But I really felt like I nailed this one. Was my anger management workshop was all for nothing?? My BFF would scream at me if she ever heard that... or when she reads this. That's where the universe put us together so that we could meet and find harmony with one another. How awesomely retarded is that??? The best BFF story EVER!!

Back to the 'A' word. So I'm angry. It's 2am and I'm angry. Surprise surprise... it's about my family. You see, I have a whole bunch of sisters and brothers and a mom who think that I'm seriously off my rocker. They honestly believe that something is wrong with me and the way that I live my life. They have spent a good portion of their lives trying to convince me that my way was and is the WRONG WAY. Now how they can decide what's best for another human being other than themselves is beyond me, but it's the Indian way. This is only the beginning of why I have such a bad taste in my mouth for the Indian culture.... and no... it's not just the butter chicken. It's the judgment. It's the lack of unconditional love. It's the hypocritical do what I say, but don't you dare think about doing what I do. Those are only a few of the factors contributing to me shunning my own religion... thereby deeming me, the worst Hindu on the planet. But I'm okay with that title because I know in my heart of hearts, that I'm an awesome human being. I am a fantastic person with a huge capacity for sharing love and kindness. I don't require a religion to tell me that.

But I'm planning my trip to BC and as I'm talking to Ziggy, I realize that I have to figure out if I have a place to stay while I'm there. And that almost makes me want to vomit. I have family... blood... the people I grew up beside... they're alive... and I can honestly say that I don't feel welcome in their homes. God bless Ziggy for being white and just not knowing that part of being Indian is that you don't ask for things. So when he innocently says to me, 'just ask if you can stay there', I want to reach through my cell phone and strangle him. ASK??? Pardon me if I'm being ignorant, but I don't think I should be asking anyone. Now maybe I'm just being bull headed, (which rarely.... ok..often happens), and feeling too proud. Maybe I just need a good slap upside the head.

Sigh... ultimately this boils down to one thing. My heart hurts. The source of all anger is fear or pain. And this time it's pain and certainly fear of more pain. They have hurt me so many times. They have had me question who I am as an individual and whether I was even good enough to be lovable. When the world wanted to beat me down, my family joined the crowd instead of holding me steady. The scars upon my heart are plentiful in the family section.

I surprised myself by getting so upset about this because 95% of the time, I am so thankful for the roles they played in my life. By being themselves, they unknowingly taught me how to survive. They played a crucial role in the development of my fortitude. I wouldn't be this woman today, if my family were any different. And I happen to love myself. A whole lot. In fact, I'd go as far as saying that I'm pretty damn awesome. I surround myself with other people of awesomeness and know that I'm in company that reflects my own inner being.

Hmmm... maybe it was just time for a self assessment. Maybe I'm just scared to face the some of the people who hurt me the most. Regardless of the reason, I grow. I learn more about the inner workings of me. I will never stop being the 'A' word. That's one small sliver of the pie that constitutes me. I accept that about who I am and in doing so, I take away all of its power.

So here I am, a couple of hours later in finishing this and the 'A' word is replaced with the far superior 'G' word. G R A T I T U D E.

Thank you Ziggy for showing me that when I least expect it I can always rise to the challenge and grow some more. Thank you to my family for being just as you are and allowing me the gift of loving myself and you unconditionally. And thank you.... for letting me pour my heart out...

It's going to be a beautiful day ladies and gentlemen....

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Miles Davis

An ex-boyfriend introduced me to the amazing and talented Miles Davis just last year before he was removed from the scene. Thank God for him and his great music collection! I cannot believe I spent the last 30 some odd years not enjoying this. And as I sit here with the first glass of white wine that I've had in months, listening to this man pour his heart and soul out in pure musical heaven... I feel so many things. Gratitude before anything. For this peaceful moment of freedom. For the luxury of my apartment and everything in it. For the ability to even get myself a glass of wine. I'm grateful that I can hear and feel this.

For those of you who don't know me... these quiet moments are nothing I've ever known. More often than not, I'm chasing after one of my three beautiful, but oh so annoying when they want to be, children. But they aren't here.... all summer long. So I'm torn... between enjoying the quiet and feeling the ache of my enormous heart. My babies are everything to me. The sun rises and sets upon their perfect faces. They smile and my heart melts. They are my world.

For the first time in over a decade I am without them all. I wonder how much of this ache comes from the fear of wondering who I am when I'm not their mom. I wonder too if she's still in there. That girl who blossomed into a mother probably too young. I feel a little lost and a whole lot of proud. Because despite the ache, I'm stepping up to the plate. I promised myself I'd do great things for me and I'm doing them. Daily exercise, books, movies, drinks... is this what life before children was??? Just all about me?? Seems a little meaningless to be honest. But I look at the big picture. When I think of how much I'm going to grow and learn about the woman that is the foundation of this family... I know this is what I need. I know this is a gift that most never get. Being a single parent of 3 is a gift of its own. But to have this time to re-discover me brings about a terrifying excitement that is beyond words.

As I write my first blog, (which by the way, I really had decided I couldn't do, even though everything inside me is a writer through and through), again I feel gratitude. I'm falling... in love with me in all the ways I never knew how. The music feeds my soul and my soul fuels my being and my being is living this life to the fullest. I don't think Miles intended on people being this inspired by him... but I am thankful for his passion as it ignites my own.