Thursday, November 18, 2010


Lately I've been living through an internal struggle of what my life is and what I wish it was. I've been beating on myself because I'm 34 and I'm single and I have 3 kids and I'm alone. By alone, I mean no community... no family support in the physical. I'm trying to establish how I got myself here, but more importantly, how do I get where I want to be? The killer question is 'will I EVER get there?'

Feelings of complete hopelessness as a mother. Frustration so overwhelming that I have found myself hearing voices of regret. That's a bad sign... especially for someone with my spiritual faith. A faith that is built on a foundation that everything is as it should be. There are no regrets. Every lesson and moment brought me here. It's HERE that I cannot seem to accept.

After 2 years of living in a new city, I've made a few amazing friends and I'm thankful. They're kind souls who offer me a reciprocal friendship when we can find the time. Yet, I'm left with a sense of being in this life alone. Maybe because I don't have many friends who have children or can truly understand what it feels like to be in my shoes. The more I think about it, not many know what it's like to move yourself and 3 kids across the country alone only to spend almost 6 months homeless in a city where you know 2 people...

The more I write this, the more I sound like a victim. I'm fully aware that I'm a victim of my own choices. what I'm feeling inside... it's failure. I feel like I've failed at this game... at life. I can't stop the voices from telling me how badly I fucked up when I look around and see only what I haven't accomplished.

I live a life of constant gratitude from moment to moment... but for some reason, I can't find it within myself anymore. I can't see it the way I used to and that scares me. Because that cloud of darkness is getting bigger and heavier. Those voices are getting louder and they visit more often. The reality of how I came here to this moment and the circumstances surrounding our life... it doesn't justify why I haven't been able to create my dreams.

What hurts the most... what has me fall deeper into this pain and these tears... is what I can't do for my kids. What I know they should have. What I simply cannot provide. What I've got just isn't enough anymore. Maybe it never was. Maybe I was so blinded by my own faith that I saw the reality I wanted to see... not what truly was.

I don't know much in this moment except that the pain in my heart is too much to ignore or wash away with a sugar coated smile or quote of the day. Today I'm living and breathing my flawed self in the hell I've created.

1 comment:

  1. Aw...I'm sorry I only got to read this just now. I hope that today is looking up for you. That you haven't felt the need to plaster a fake smile on your face but felt one from the inside out. I can't imagine what your life is like, nor what it has been like up to now, but I do know you have a lot of people who love you. That is evident. Let me know if there's anything I can do.