Miles Davis

An ex-boyfriend introduced me to the amazing and talented Miles Davis just last year before he was removed from the scene. Thank God for him and his great music collection! I cannot believe I spent the last 30 some odd years not enjoying this. And as I sit here with the first glass of white wine that I've had in months, listening to this man pour his heart and soul out in pure musical heaven... I feel so many things. Gratitude before anything. For this peaceful moment of freedom. For the luxury of my apartment and everything in it. For the ability to even get myself a glass of wine. I'm grateful that I can hear and feel this.

For those of you who don't know me... these quiet moments are nothing I've ever known. More often than not, I'm chasing after one of my three beautiful, but oh so annoying when they want to be, children. But they aren't here.... all summer long. So I'm torn... between enjoying the quiet and feeling the ache of my enormous heart. My babies are everything to me. The sun rises and sets upon their perfect faces. They smile and my heart melts. They are my world.

For the first time in over a decade I am without them all. I wonder how much of this ache comes from the fear of wondering who I am when I'm not their mom. I wonder too if she's still in there. That girl who blossomed into a mother probably too young. I feel a little lost and a whole lot of proud. Because despite the ache, I'm stepping up to the plate. I promised myself I'd do great things for me and I'm doing them. Daily exercise, books, movies, drinks... is this what life before children was??? Just all about me?? Seems a little meaningless to be honest. But I look at the big picture. When I think of how much I'm going to grow and learn about the woman that is the foundation of this family... I know this is what I need. I know this is a gift that most never get. Being a single parent of 3 is a gift of its own. But to have this time to re-discover me brings about a terrifying excitement that is beyond words.

As I write my first blog, (which by the way, I really had decided I couldn't do, even though everything inside me is a writer through and through), again I feel gratitude. I'm falling... in love with me in all the ways I never knew how. The music feeds my soul and my soul fuels my being and my being is living this life to the fullest. I don't think Miles intended on people being this inspired by him... but I am thankful for his passion as it ignites my own.