I AM....

Lately I have been seeing your face
In my waking dreams
Just as I lay my mind down to rest
Or sometimes in the middle of the day
I see something that captures my eye
And by no fault of my own
I’m zooming down the dark path
That leads me to your memories

Only this time I’m in the viewers seat
At the movie theater of my past
Heart in hand and tears to be spilled
Who’ll win this battle I wonder?
What lies will he fill her head with now?
How can she not see through his bullshit?
Even as a viewer
I shake my head and cannot bear to watch

Reliving every moment again and again
Your manipulation twisting my love
Into ugly cords
I’ve tangled myself in
Willingly
Hopefully
Desperately

I fought for this
I followed my heart to you
Over the mountains
Across the provinces
All to reach my breaking point
I had to set myself afire to release your hold
Exorcising the pain I basked in daily

My spirit cries to me at night
Instead of singing sweet lullabies
I see your face
I hear your lies
I feel the iciness of your love
In what used to be an embrace

Why have you returned to haunt my mind?
What more can I learn from having loved you?
How much strength does it take not to hate you?

Perhaps it is my turn…
To remember why I loved with such passion
To affirm you are not the reason I survived
To understand how your selfishness was a gift

In your darkness
I lit the path
And found myself
I underestimated the power of my own love
The power of your sickness
Overwhelmed my good judgment in many moments
But somehow I am free
Today you are not my problem

It is your ghost that creeps from my closet
Making itself known
Remember it whispsers….
Remember who you were…..
My own darkness perks
Wanting to feed on the sludge
That was my long ago reality

I take a glance in the mirror
I am NOT that woman
The one
You once deceived with fairy tale lies of love

I AM the woman
Who defied her own limits

I AM the woman
Who created love with an unlovable man

I AM the woman
Who escaped the nightmare of you

I AM the woman
Who WILL put
Your ghost to rest.

Silence

In the silence I can hear you
Loud and clear
The thoughts that I dare not speak
For fear they might actually manifest.

In the silence I feel you
The ache of loneliness
The chills of not having
What I've been taught to consider a need.

In the silence I taste you
The bitter sweetness
The blessing of sacred silence.

In the silence I desire you
The dreams and hopes
Locked away in my hearts vault
Waiting to find freedom.

In the silence I miss you
The endless laughter
The calm within my storm.

In the silence I see me
The real me
In all my truth and imperfection.

In the silence I accept me
Flawed and pained
Scarred and uncertain
Awaiting assurance.

In the silence I embrace me
In all my doubt and strife
With divine fortitude.

In the silence I love me.
Wholly
Passionately
Always unconditionally.